Monday, November 10, 2008

My deep, very deep thoughts...

Prior to starting our adoption journey in Africa we began in Brazil. It wasn't pretty: too much time, money and paper work. This entry from my diary shows that I was in depths of despair over the whole thing.

Adoption for me is more than "getting a child" but saving one child from a life of loneliness, fear and cruelty.
Yet I feel that all these obstacles that are put in front of us are a possible sign that this is not to be.
They make you feel that adoption is a bad thing.
Adoption is for:
the desperate,
the rich,
the stubborn ones,
and yet maybe it's God telling us to not go this route.
Maybe we are not meant to do this.

Maybe we need to look at a different angle.
I just wanted to adopt a little boy who needed a place to hang out as he grows to be a man.
I just can't understand why we must 'fight' and 'struggle' to adopt one child - I don't need a specific color, race, sex, or age - I just want one, yet I feel we are asking too much.
Why are we being felt that we are being pushed out from adopting?
I had this fantasy that we were doing such a great thing and now I just want to throw in the towel.
Surrogate was something I thought for a half a sec, in-vitro and more drugs to get me pregnant were also only fleeting thoughts because we had a belief that adoption would mean so much more to us and it would make us complete.
God, I ask again, to guide and tell us where we should be going.


Ms. Porter said...

and now?

you are fortunate that you have your journal to reflect on. i was trying to keep a private blog but it just isn't the same for me as pen/pencil on paper. i just bought myself a new journal and i truly hope i will diligently write in it, it's so therapeutic but also it's a good way to look back from the present and find ways to view journeys and growth, to be humbled, and feel gratitude.

Teri said...

Thank you for sharing that. I can't even begin to imagine the journey it took to get James into your family and I know you are thankful each and every day for James and Parker!

Gaunt Family said...

We have all been very blessed. It truly was a journey, wasn't it? More like an odyssey, really. ;-)
So are there any more Epps in the future plans? I happen to know Uganda is looking good these days...